You Gotta Be Happy

hi yes hello why not state the obvious, maddie? it’s not obvious for some, unfortunately.

i’m going to be honest and tell you a secret in living a full life. be happy with who you are — physically, emotionally and mentally.

i’m going to speak as a woman who wants to always uplift other women, but we tend to, on average, struggle more than men when it comes to fully love ourselves. (this can go for the men, too, but just a quick s/o to the ladies in the room.)

listen to me, i’ve had a fair share of allowing other people’s words to take effect on me. personally, i have always struggled with my weight. i don’t usually take notice of it until there’s always that one person (and they mean well..meh sometimes) will end up saying something that borderline (read: does) hurt my feelings. i’ve been called a “plus-sized marilyn monroe,” “the wide girl,” and i swear on hollywood, someone has said to me, “you remind me of fat amy.” not rebel wilson, no no. just fat amy. and fortunately, i have been healthy again lately and most of my life i have been in the position where i exercised nearly every single day for hours on end. so, it is hard to hear those things even when i know i’m not at an unhealthy weight.

also, i hate that i have such a chubby babyface. my mother doesn’t. everyone else says that it’ll be great when i’m 50. but i don’t love it. it always just gives me this appearance that i can be messed with or that i’m young and dumb. alright, i am all those things but i don’t like for it to just be known by looking at me. i never thought that i was beautiful because of this, either. my entire life i had this idea of what a naturally beautiful person looked like, and it was my childhood best friend makayla. (hi, macakes) both of my parents had always said how beautiful she was, as did other peers. so i thought i had to look like that, too. she has big brown eyes, freckles, and a slight, sweet upturned nose. so i measured my own beauty based on what she and my other friends looked like. and i’ve never been the one to have people just approach me at bars or public places because of my radiant beauty, but i’m for some reason always around others who are. you can just imagine how high my self-esteem must be after that.

but physical appearance aside, i have also struggled with letting out my thoughts and emotions. and by default, that takes a huge toll on my mental and emotional health. i allow myself to be taken advantage of and not to look out for myself, just those around me. i tend to block out my own feelings for the sake of those around me. don’t get me wrong, i want to be the strong one. i love being the person you can call on when shit hits the fan. however, i won’t allow myself to ever be taken care of. (maybe that’s why i fail at relationships both friendships and romantic!) for example, when tragedy struck for my friends and me, i couldn’t be the one who broke. i cried, but i never allowed it to last. i let others fall apart on my lap while i stroked their backs. i had a stone-cold face that no one could read. everyone around me tried their hardest to have me break down my wall. they tried to feed me, walk me home, offered to watch holly if i wanted to go watch a movie or something. i never let down the walls and at this point, i wish i had. holding in all those feelings of grief and hurt are still very much alive inside of me. but if i were to just have allowed those who love me through to what i was thinking and feeling, maybe i would be feeling a little better today.

as you can see, i have struggled like everyone else, to love myself wholly. it’s hard! but honestly, how much can i really change? sure i can spend thousands of dollars to get plastic surgery and fake my personality to be someone who i’m not. and that’s the easy way out.

or on the upside, i can learn to love my imperfections. i can love the fact that i don’t look like makayla, because she’s beautiful in her own way when i can find myself beautiful in another. i’m working on my weight, but even for the days i know i’m not where i should be or i could be more toned, i will love myself because this is my body and i only have one. for the days that i don’t feel like i’m worthy of being listened to or loved, i hope that i’m able to snap out of it to allow myself to be taken care of. there’s nothing to be proud of if you’re the only one in a room not crying. there’s nothing weak about not being able to be strong for once in your life. there’s nothing to be gained for being the one that can take care of everyone, but won’t let anyone into their heart to be taken care of.

friends, i hope that you love yourself. i hope you can hug yourself at night knowing that you are loved so wholeheartedly by at least two, amazing people (you and me!) and if someone can’t accept who you are, then they don’t need to be in your life, anyways. you can have a beautiful future without them. you deserve to be happy. more importantly, you need to be happy. it’s what gives you momentum while climbing uphill. it gives you a ray of sunshine on a rainy day. it gives you something to look forward to.

guys, today is such a happy day.

i have so much to be happy about today — what about you?

xx maddie